Thirsty Thursdays Drink of the Day

So I almost had a real job, I beat out 48 people but not 49. The lady told me that it was down between me and this other terd but they chose him cause he had more experience. So naturally what did I do, head to the liquor store. On the contrary not to bury my misery in booze but to search for a job there. They weren't hiring but the only guy in there at 10 a.m. bought a box of wine. So he gave me inspiration.

Franzia Box of Wine:
So grab some box
or
Slap the Bag
or
Wine Stand It

and enjoy!!!

Balancing a checkbook is like negotiating peace in Gaza

What's going on, faithful readers? I know that all 3 of you have been dearly waiting for another poop journal update, and guess what, here it is. I realized that I have been reading these without introducing any of the key players in the journal itself. I would change names and stuff, but no one reads this anyway, and there are probably like a hundred thousand Sean Coughlin's in the world, at least. So, here is a brief introduction into the cast of characters that surrounds the poop journal.



K. Jeezy/Kyle joyce/me - I am Kyle Joyce. I grew up in upstate NY, got wait listed at every school I wanted to go to, and went to whichever one my dad wanted me to go to the least. We all went to Emerson for whatever reason, but for me it gave me an opportunity to play college basketball, which was cool. I got to play in games where we were up or down by 30 and usually for like the last 1:30. This is why i love this blog so much. Anyway, I thought I was pretty cool at the time because I had scored a recorded basket in NCAA history. Unfortunately, I couldn't squite see what was really going on.

T. Co./T Chop/Teddy - Teddy is from New Bedford, Massachusetts. If you don't know where that is, pretend you are flexing your biceps. Now your arm is a mini model or cape cod. Where your armpit lays on your body, is where New Bedford lays on a map. Both are really smelly. Anyway, Teddy likes drinking a lot, Boston sports teams, and having sex with as many girls as he can. He is truly setting a new standard for men from New Bedford, a trailblazer, if you will.

Sean Coughlin/Coughleezy - Hollis, NH's most loveable italian. He plays basketball well, graduated with a marketing degree, and wore a soul patch for a long time in college. That should tell you just about all you need to know about Sean, except for his and his brothers nicknames, which are Lord Byron (brother Bryan) and Soon(Sean). And, his mother is a saint.

Alex Gadberry/Gadbeezy - Another Hollis, NH export. Drummer for the band Shipwreck. There is nothing Alex loves more than playing Halo 3 for 7 hours, going to Spike's hot dog's on Mass Ave, and then dancing his face off to top 40 music while everyone else gets drunk enough to pass out or make stupid decisions.

Kevin Klausman/Keveezy/KLK - Kevin is from Maine. He is pretty huge too, and by huge I mean tall. I think he is something like 6'5. Anyway, when the party starts, Keveez is there, ready to take it to another level. He loves zombies, boston hardcore music, and makin movies.

Ben Sloane - My best friend since 7th grade. We both grew up in Rochester, then went to Emerson. Ben used to not drink or do anything bad in High School. Now, he is an actor living in NYC, and regularly does guest spots on this youtube movie review channel that I like. More or less the funniest kid I know.

That is everyone who lived in our 6 person suite from 2005-2006 at Emerson college. However, there was a strong supporting cast of poopers who made there mark on the poop journal. Here they are.

Ryan "Rookie" Koontz - Ryan became friends with us out of a mutual interest of wanting to get drunk and have sex with girls. We happened to live on the no drinking, no drugs floor in Emerson dorms, so it was hard to find others who wanted to do bad things on our floor. Fortunately, god sent us Ryan Koontz.

Josh Jenkins - Maybe the smartest dude we know. I don't know what he is doing now, but I would assume he is either writing a book, or killing people. He too was huge, like 6'5.....he too was from Maine. Weird. Anyway, Jenkins loved playing Halo, rabble-rousing, and having a few sips of the good stuff every now and again. He lived off campus, so we used to have to sign him in to come play Halo for 13 hours a day, but ti was worth it.

Doug Kyed - Slept during the day, played video games and foosball at night. Also, doesn't drink, is in this band, and went to school for free cause his dad worked at the school.

Mike Ford - Only kid I will trust with internet rumors more than wikipedia. Mike Ford is a message board personified. Eats only cream cheese bars and pizza nuggets, while drinking only vitamin water and grape soda. If you want to illegally download some shit, talk to this kid. He hates everyone and everything, but he's not a bad dude.

Jason Nahum - At this time he was the short, fat, funny kid. Later he became the muscly, short, funny kid. A jew from new jersey, Jason was trying to break down walls for Jews everywhere by striving to make it in the entertainment industry. Now he lives in NYC, struggling against the establishment for a break in showbiz.

Dave Stauble/Staubs - Also in a band, and also from Hollis, NH. Dave loves driving pick up trucks, being awesome, and swimming in Rocky Pond. Honestly, I can't blame him. I don't think he really pooped in our bathroom too much, but he was integral to some of the stories.

Matt Moderski/Matty Mo - I don't think Matt ever pooped in our bathroom, but he was pretty sweet, and later became my roommate, which ruled. I don't know what he does now, but I'd like to thank him for introducing me to Motion City Soundtrack, Wolfenstein, and grav bongs. Thank you Matt, wherever you are.

This Guy Is Crazy

I have recently just started watching this show on the travel channel called bizarre foods with Andrew Zimmerman and I must say this guy is fucking crazy. This Alfred Hitchcock look a like travels the globe and seeks out to eat the most bizarre/disguisting foods that countries have to offer. The pure shock value alone will get you interested in this show. I mean just some of things I have seen him eat are frog ovary soup, bull rectum and balls, lamb tounge and eye, cow brain, armadillo, mosiquito eggs, fried rooster comb, sea slug guts, raw hearts, balut (fertilized duck egg with a partial developed embryo), hakari aka 8 week old putrified shark that you eat with blood pudding and this is just a taste. This guy's asshole must seriously hate him for what he is consuming. If he started his own poop journal god knows what it would say, maybe something like this. I was on the toilet longer than Brian Tillet on new years (my boy who passed out on the shitter) and I literally shit a chocolate covered squirrel. Honestly this guy rivals Bear Grylls for eating the grossest stuff Ive ever seen. That would be a hell of a pay per view event, Zimmerman vs Grylls first one to puke, tap out, shit their pants, or refusal to eat loses. So hats off to this crazy son of a bitch and check his show out on the travel channel.

GTA Teaches Kids How To Drive

Associated Press - WICOMICO CHURCH, Va. (Jan. 6) - A 6-year-old Virginia boy who missed his bus tried to drive to school in his family's sedan -- and crashed. His parents were charged with child endangerment. State police said the boy suffered only minor injuries and authorities drove him to school after he was evaluated at a local hospital for a bump on his head. He arrived shortly after lunch, Sgt. Tom Cunningham said.

It happened around 7:40 a.m. Monday on Route 360, about 61 miles east of Richmond.

The boy, whose name wasn't released, missed the bus, took the keys to his family's 2005 Ford Taurus and drove nearly six miles toward school while his mother was asleep, police said.

He made at least two 90-degree turns, passed several cars and ran off the rural two-lane road several times before hitting an embankment and utility pole about a mile and a half from school.

The boy told police he learned to drive playing Grand Theft Auto and Monster Truck Jam video games.

"He was very intent on getting to school," said Northumberland County Sheriff Chuck Wilkins. "When he got out of the car, he started walking to school. He did not want to miss breakfast and PE."

His parents, Jacqulyn Deana Waltman, 26, and David Eugene Dodson, 40, are each charged with child endangerment, Wilkins said. Waltman is being held without bond. Dodson was released on a $5,000 bond. It was not clear if they had attorneys. The boy and his 4-year-old brother were placed in protective custody. "This really is a story of miracles," Wilkins said. "The Lord was with him, along with everybody else on the highway."

So this kid is no Latarian Milton (see below) but the simply fact that he stated that Grand Theft Auto video game taught him how to drive is awesome, I wonder if it taught him how to shoot a gun too. I really feel bad for this kid though, the article made it seem that this kid wakes up and gets dress and all that shit and catches the bus so he can have breakfast at school all while his lazy ass mother sleeps. Fuck her. I hope this kid becomes the next Ricky Bobby and when he has millions tells his mother to fuck off for not making him some eggs and bacon. P.S. The clip below might be my favorite youtube clip ever.

Alphabetical American Anarchy

After a short holiday hiatus, the alphabetical countdown is back. This time it’s my favorite letter “C,” which stands for my not so favorite (though often necessary) beverage, “Coffee.”

Scientists at the University of Nevada extracted oil from used Starbucks coffee grounds to create bio-diesel fuel. The antioxidants in the commodity make it a more stable fuel-source than other bio-diesel alternatives. Engineers claim, “It won’t be a complete fix for reducing America’s dependence on oil, but it can be a help while at the same time providing a nice aroma for those in the vicinity...the exhaust actually smells like coffee.”

I can say that I have used bio-diesel fuel made from corn. The gas mileage was unfortunately very poor. It actually cost about as much as filling up with gas because I had to refill again so quickly – so that makes this whole concept seem kinda bunk. However, these scientists are at least thinking creatively. Using a waste product to create a new product is an underappreciated idea. I mean, we have a use for cow shit; why not used coffee grounds?

While I’m still not sure why people aren’t working fully on a hydrogen fuel-cell car or, even better, a magnetized car moving with semiconductors, at least cool and smart tech initiatives like this are being funded. And hey, it’s futile to be a sane person in a crazy world. So I’ll just go fuck myself on this one.

On the positive side effect of smell - this could improve the smell pollution of many downtown metro areas. Not sure what it is about the big city, but sometimes you get these whiffs of air and you check around to see if there is a boxer standing next to you that happens to sweat cheese. Coffee is surely a strong enough odor to febreze the urban underbellies.

The engineers behind the theory claim that a minimal amount of processing is required to convert coffee into biodiesel – resulting in coffee-fuel being about $1/gallon.

That sounds pretty fucking sweet to me. I know we’re living in a little gas-holiday still with the cost almost halving the peak it hit this summer, but there cannot be any confusion that this price will go back up. With the demand for petro compounded on our still economically fractured asses giving out IOU’s to creditors around the world, it’s gonna get worse before it gets better.

There must be thousands of tons of coffee used each day in New England alone. Dunkin Donuts franchises are like the Black Plague. You can’t walk down the street and not see neighborhood carriers of the business. Although I’m not sure how Dunkin’s coffee converts against its “classier” competitor. Maybe premium coffee beverages make premium coffee bio-diesel? If so, it will just be another reason for Starbucks lovers to turn their noses up at other people who don’t want to spend $6 for a CUP of BEAN WATER.

I know, I know. That’s a cheap shot... But seriously... Starbucks eats balls.

~S. Caustic

Sounds Of My Life

I was sent this via myspace about a month ago, shows you how often I'm on my myspace page. Well I figured screw myspace lets put it up on the blog, so with out further ado here is my life sound track.

My Soundtrack:

Opening credits: Choppa - Choppa Style remix (feat. Master P)

Waking up: Bruce Springsteen - Blinded By the Light (live)

Average day: Incubus - Make Yourself

First date: John Legend - Slow Dance

Falling in love: Citizen Cope - Sideways

Love scene: Keith Sweat - Nobody

Fight scene: Damian Marley- Confrontation

Breaking up: Amy Winehouse - Tears Dry On Their Own

Getting back together: Say Anything - I Want To Know Your Plans

Secret love: Dave Matthews Band - Say Goodbye

Life's okay: Radiohead - Airbag

Mental breakdown: Explosions In The Sky - Your Hand In Mine

Driving: Lil Wayne - Spitter

Learning a lesson: Killers - All These Things That I've Done

Deep thought: John Mayer - Gravity

Flashback: Lupe Fiasco - Daydreamin' feat. Jill Scott

Partying: Asher Roth - I Love College

Happy dance: Girl Talk - anything.

Regreting: Fugees - Ready or Not

Long night alone: Modest Mouse - World At Large

Death scene: Sia - Breathe Me

Closing credits: Jay-Z - Can I Live

I hate when they do this to me!!!

I hate when I go on a site and out of no where they change layouts. Facebook did this to me and almost ruined my life and now ESPN has done it. I can't say that it is awful, but I just don't like change. However I have been seriously considering changing the layout of BTP, would people get mad at me? Leave comments.

p.s. talk about Ford F-150 getting some advertisement.

Movie Trailer Monday

So this weeks segment is a little weak. I found a Crank 2: High Voltage, red band trailer that was absolutely hysterical but it was shortly removed by Lionsgate. So I was contemplating what else to show you, I have a hard time dealing with Marley & Me owning the box office again this past weekend and probably next weekend too because the only movies worth giving it a shot is Gran Torino and Bride Wars. As far as Gran Torino goes, I'm not looking forward to this movie. The trailer told me the whole story and I'm not a huge Clint Eastwood fan. I mean back in the day hell yeah but a 80 year old Clint just doesn't do it for me. So here we go a Bride Wars trailer. This one is for the ladies, so fellas this weekend go see a chick flick and get lucky.




In other news:

Pat Hingle, has died at age 84 after a battle with blood cancer. Hingle is probably best known as the actor who played Commissioner James Gordon in Batman, Batman Returns, Batman Forever and Batman & Robin.


Here is a photo from a new flick titles The Year One, a biblical comedy about a couple of lazy hunter-gatherers named Zed and Oh (Jack Black and Michael Cera) are banished from their primitive village, they set off on an epic journey through the ancient world. I bashed Cera last week for not signing on to an Arrested Development movie but this should make up for that.


Finally since this is the first Movie Trailer Monday of 2009 lets look back at the year of 2008 and all the great films that we saw. Found this on YouTube, enjoy.

January 2nd is not that much different than December 28th

This is a t-shirt I got for christmas from my friend Dan Gocek. He was hurt, and a little disappointed that I didn't take the time to fully appreciate the t-shirt as I opened his gift. And by opend his gift, I mean took that t-shirt off of the Band of Brothers DVD set. Obviously I was a little more impressed and infatuated with the 10 hours of pure enjoyment that was lying ahead of me and forgot to properly thank him for the witty t-shirt that accompanied it. He rage wasn't at all quelled by me telling him that I wore the shirt to bed the day I got back from Houston, in fact he took that as a personal affront. I can only hope to slake his anger by posting that picture at the beginning of my post. "Stupid Raisins, stay out of my cookies". So simple, and yet so eloquent....it's even better because I REALLY dislike raisins in my cookies. It's like Dan reached inside my head and found the most thoughtful witty t-shirt he could find. Well I want to say in front of the world, but actually more like the 7 people who read this, thank you Dan. I liked the present.

Last year I was driving home from work (and by last year, I mean last week. It's the only time of the year I can say that, so I try to take advantage of it) and my life instantly became 30% more awesome. You're probably saying to yourself, "HOW!!?? I TOO WANT TO BE AWESOME!!" If that is truly the case, I suggest you find out who Kings of Leon is and start listening to them pronto. I was once just another recent college graduate with no future, no plans, no money, and no way of being laid that was legal. Then, I found this band, and the new CD "Only By The Night", and I am now in the top 3 coolest kids in my area code. Why, just later tonight I am getting free tickets to go see a pretty awesome Division III basketball team play. The tickets will most likely be courtside too, because they are general admission, and I like to sit courtside. Honestly though, I traveled something like 16,000 miles with my family this christmas break, 97% of it was in a Honda minivan. Normally, people would be cool with that. However, 3 of the people in that minivan are 6 foot 2, on is 6 foot 8, and the other is my mom, who never has to sit in the way-back because she went through pregnancy three times and has the "I never have to sit in the way-back of a minivan ever again, because I went through pregnancy" card in her wallet. Needless to say, it was smelly, cramped, and a verbal fight about driving tactics broke out every time we passed another town in Kansas that sucked and made me depressed (which was every town in Kansas). That being said, one thing that helped me get through this grueling family road trip, which was nothing like this family road trip, was listening to "Only By The Night" like 13 times all the way through.

2009 is supposed to be awesome, but I can't see it happening for everyone. In particular, I don't really see starving children in 3rd world countries getting a big break this year. OJ will most likely have a pretty shitty year. And I, and probably every other recent college grad, will also feel a sharp drop off. I had been noticing the terrible effects of not being in college as early as July, but I chalked that up to my high ankle sprain, which pretty much put an end to any fun I was planning on having last summer. It wasn't long ago I was looking at my friends and laughing as they signed up for MBA's, law school, and other forms of higher education. At this point though, I have realized I am the fool. Who can put a price of 3 to 4 more years of reckless, carefree poor decisions followed by eating pizza and playing video games? Law school, that's who. The price is usually around 150,000 smackers. Anyway, I have been thinking about some reasons that NOT being in college sucks, and here they are.

Reason #1 - High School Girls are no longer hot

I know what you're thinking, and you're right. They are still hot. However, there is a time a place in most people's lives, these people not included, when you take a long look inside yourself and realize that you would NOT enjoy having sexual relations with the hottest girl in the High School. This doesn't happen overnight, and it might even be true for those in grad school. However, it is painfully obvious for those of us not involved in any school at all how creepy it makes you feel to think about having relations with a 17 year old. II'm not sure when it happened, but I know for sure that after my sophomore year I was still totally cool with trying to fool around with High School chicks. I guess that is a sign of maturity, or just the good sense to try and stay off this list.

Reason #2 - Vomiting is no longer a funny thing to do after drinking a lot

This is pretty self explanatory, but I think it is a valid point. Here's an example. when Teddy turned 21 in October of 2007, we did what any sensible college student would do. We called our friends, bought a keg and a couple of handles, and drank until we ended up throwing up our of the back stairway window. It's totally cool. One year removed from that, vomiting out of a 4 story window is a vile and ridiculous act, no longer carrying the amount of hilarity as it once did. Think of it like the hot chick from high school who got fat and maybe had a kid or two while you were in college. She's still there, it could still happen, it's just not the same.

Reason #3 - Parents getting facebook

It happened to me. While I have no problem with my mom seeing my facebook page and or videos/pictures, most people do. 2009 brings our parents one step closer to joining us on the final frontier, the internet, not space, you dummy. I am actually enjoying my mom being on her. It allows me one more way to shame her into giving me more money. If I could figure out a way to steal the expensive things in my life, like heat, food, and Nikes, then I wouldn't need to have my mom on facebook. Invariably though, this will lead to facebook getting less and less cool and a new social networking site coming up. I don't think I can take the switch. I had a hard enough time deciding on whether to get myspace or facebook and the thought of a potential 3rd party coming in the mix is a harrowing thought for me.

I'll be posting more soon, so don't you worry. But if you have some free time, and trust me, you do have free time if you are reading this sentence, check out www.ClubTrillion.blogspot.com. I can't really articulate how much I like this blog. Also, for anyone who wants to be mean for no particular reason, send an email to Connorjoyceiseffinghuge@gmail.com, detailing the was in which you hate Connor Joyce (as seen below) for being so friggin big.



It's funny because he looks like he could have been their father, but in reality, they
are his grandparents!

Thirsty Thursdays Drink of the Day

In honor of my last night celebrations, at the stroke of midnight I had a bottle of Andre Champagne in hand, the purple Cold Duck naturally. Happy New Years everyone.