I suck

I suck wicked hard, but heres the deal. I just got back from the #2 phattest city on the US (I think that was a typo) and had to work the past two days/unpack/catch up on sleep, so I've been slacking. 2K9 is coming up, and the Joyceman is coming back! Get ready! But for now, a poop journal.

Decriminalizing of Weed, in effect this Friday

BOSTON — A voter-approved law to decriminalize possession of small amounts of marijuana goes into effect Friday, despite protests from law enforcement officials that they need more time and guidance from the state.

The Executive Office of Public Safety and Security issued guidelines on the new law Monday, less than two months after 65 percent of voters approved the measure in a statewide referendum.

On Friday, the law will make possession of one ounce or less of marijuana a civil offense, subject to a $100 fine like a traffic ticket. Offenders under 18 will be required to take a drug awareness program, or pay a $1,000 fine.

Possession of small amounts of marijuana has been a criminal offense in Massachusetts, punishable by a $500 fine and up to six months in jail.

Public Safety Secretary Kevin Burke said the guidelines answer many questions that have been raised by police and prosecutors in the past eight weeks.

"It's going to go into effect Jan. 2, no matter what," Mr. Burke said. "I think these guidelines alleviate many of the concerns expressed by various stakeholders who would have some enforcement or review of the law."

A sampling of the guidelines: Police departments still can discipline their own officers for possession and use of marijuana; small amounts of marijuana will no longer be sent to the crime labs for testing; and police can still conduct searches and vehicle stops of individuals if there is probable cause. Full article here.

Tuesday = Tits

This chicks name is Sam Cooke, yeah like the singer but way hotter. Anyway this broad is from England, Manchester to be exact and I haven't a clue what she does except look like a dime piece, and thats good enough for me.

This Just Upsets Me

So this guy Jason Evert came down to New Beige the other day and talked to the cities catholic school children about abstinence.

Speaking in front of the sanctuary at St. Lawrence Martyr, Mr. Evert told students that they could be virgins and healthy, well-adjusted people at the same time. He encouraged them to go against the grain in pop culture and value modesty over the provocative.
"All we've been told is, 'If you're a virgin, something's wrong with you,'" he said.
"Everything has become so sexual. We get fed the lie so much that we start believing it."

Most students listened without snickering as Mr. Evert commented on premarital sex, the "hook-up" culture, pornography and sexually transmitted diseases.

He also shared stories from past school presentations. He noted that students often ask him "how far" they can go with a significant other before crossing the threshold of sin.

In response, Mr. Evert said he asks students to imagine their future spouse with somebody else, and how they feel about that.

"Why would you want your future spouse to be innocent for you, but not yourself?"
"For a guy, chastity demands one thing above all: authenticity," he said. "It demands that you have no multiplicity." Full article here.

Really Jason? Everyone knows Catholic school kids are sucking cock before they even reach high school, I feel this is a better speech to be giving the priests. I don't get how this guy doesn't break some sort of man code here. How can you tell a perfectly healthy kid that waiting years and years to not have sex is good for you. He must have been picked on like it was his job in jr. high and high school, never mind college. Really a virgin in college? I can bet he didn't go to a party school. I wonder if he has ever gotten drunk? These chicks will one day grow up and be smokeshows and if by chance my son ever dated a chick that fell under the Jason Evert spell his blue balls would even make me hurt. Grow up Jay, you live, you die, and in between you try and have fun which equals sex, drugs, and rock and roll.

Katy Perry, WOW!!!

So this pic has surfaced and yes that is Katy Perry and she is STACKED. Not only do I love her for "Hot N Cold" I love her hidden headlights that in this pic are getting some sun.

Movie Trailer Monday

First off Christmas Night I went and saw Seven Pounds, what a tear jerker. I never gave in and let the faucet flow, come on now, I'm a man, but I would say that if you didn't get a little choked up during this film then your soul is as good as Ray Lewis'. I recommend this movie, it came out at a rough time with so many good movies to go see but I would see this one if you get the chance. Rosario Dawson is amazing in this flick.

My films I want to see this new year:

5. Frost/Nixon - released 12/26

The only thing with this movie is I wonder how long it will be able to hold my attention.





4. Revolutionary Roady - released 1/15

Anything that Leo D touches is gold and teaming up with Kate Winslet is already getting major Oscar buzz. Oh yeah she has a nude scene in it as well.





3. Milk - released 12/22

The cast, the story, the director... all of it is so enticing, can't wait.





2. Curious Case of Benjamin Button - released 12/25

The comparison to Forrest Gump gets me going but the 3 hours running time turns me off.




1. Slumdog Millionaire - released a while back, in select cities

I talked about this one last week, yes I want to see this badly.





In other news:

Michael Cera is the missing link to creating an Arrested Development film. Yeah send him mail to stop playing hipster roles and go be George-Michael.

Yes I am Still Alive

After not posting through the holidays I figured many of you thought I drank to much eggnog and might have had a heart attack after I freaked out about getting my Nintendo 64. Have no fear I made the weekend, but just barely, Brett Favre and his shitty Jets almost pushed me over the edge. I finished the weekend hungover, lost 10 bucks playing poker, gained about 20 lbs, lost my chance at 180 beers (would have won that if the Pats made the playoffs, instead I get nothing) and sadly sunk myself low enough to root for the fucking J-E-T-S. Let's hope the New Year starts better than this one ended.

Postponed

So Kyle is in Texas or Denver or Newark, NJ airport... either way the poop journal will be postponed... also everyone should probably have a great Christmas Eve, get drunk and be safe.

Is masterbation cheating on your girlfriend?

I know the quick answer is no, and no guy is honestly going to stop, unless he’s planning to save up his skeet for a better paint job. But what if the topic comes up with you and your girl, are you afraid to admit to her that you still slide the statue? Some girls are cool about it, likely the ones who enjoy masterbating themselves. They know as well as you that no one can wack your weasel better than you, like no one can warm up her oven like herself. She understands and appreciates the importance of constant masterbation, the joy and comfort of it like your grandmother’s cookies at Christmas. She wouldn’t ask of you to stop as she damn well wouldn’t stop, because she sees no connection between how one’s jerking exercises should be connected to one’s love life with their partner. When you find this girl, put a rock on her finger (and likely your cock in her hand). But then there’s that other kind…of lover (I’m sure gays are faced with the same mishaps sometimes), the kind who somehow twists masterbation into being unfaithful. Now let’s be open minded for a sec and take a look at things on the other side of the fence. It’s not the act of masterbation that bothers them, it’s the process by which it is conducted. Most often porn, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issues or Victoria Secret Fashion Shows on December 3rd at 10PM on CBS…and other such things of that nature, are used to inspire the stroke of luck. Possibly just a fantasy in mind, either one with a person you have always wanted to be with yet never have or previous amazing experience. Some of us are fortunate to pop in a home video they made with their special shagster, their lover’s facebook picture or by dating the most fulfilling freak of all time, so they don’t need to be turned on by anyone other than the person they are in a relationship with. But most of us, ultimately, are committing a sexual act while desiring to bust a nut with someone else. Hold your horses, I’m just trying to show the point of view of the other side, and dare I say: Would you be in any way bothered if your girl was wailing in her bedroom because of the vibrations of a toy twice as long and thick as you? It all comes down to the issye of feeling intimidated by the fact that your lover enjoys the sexual pleasure of something that you aren’t cannot or will not give them.

Most girlfriends won’t perform the mind-blowing acts we see on those entertaining forwards you get from your friends every day, just as you can’t fulfill the physical dimensions of a zucchini. So these little situations and stirred up feelings of lacking sexual confidence can be turned into the mindset that you’d rather be with someone (or something) than your lover.
Now back to the sunny side where the bullshit doesn’t stink so bad. The act of masterbation is the act of loving one’s self. You have been there for yourself longer than any lover has, and in a way, by being with your lover, you are sort of cheating on yourself…but lets not go there. When two people commit to one another, the rule is to be faithful and not be with any other man or woman. Well by being with yourself, your not with anyone else, unless you can somehow detach your right hand. The only way you could possibly connect masterbation with someone else literally would be by someone giving you a rudder (someone else holds your arm while you shake the snake). You can screen their phone calls, their emails and still there is no way one can be prevented from being with themselves unless they are watched every moment of their days, and do you really need to be in a relationship like that? So what do you do? Instill rules? That it’s ok to do it only out of fantasy but how can you ensure that they won’t be thinking of someone else. The only way to really stop someone from masterbating is to perform so many sexual acts with them on a regular basis that they would be too tired or sore to do it. In case of guys, we can’t afford to beat it because we need to retain a respectable amount of skeet for us to spray and them to swallow so that it isn’t embarrassing. After all the work, one wants to be rewarded with a nice load, not humping for 38 minutes for a few drops. I guess if your partner is worried about you beating it, they should be faced with the ultimatum of what would be worst: your right hand or their best friend? Plus, it’s rare that masterbation would ever fully take the place and desire of sex (unless of course they are painfully bad at it or you’re single). They don’t need to be worried about leaning out of the bathroom door wearing silky red lingerie, casting that mischievous smile, and you shaking your head while reaching for the tissue box and coco butter. Also, it’s hard for you to make them believe that you don’t jack-off, but if you wish to tell them you don’t, how could they prove it? I’ll leave you with one note before I head off for my afternoon workout: better to have them worried about your one man tug of war than knowing you think of a Vegas whore while having sex.

Sincerely,
Mr. Chicken and Cheese

Alphabetical American Anarchy

We have now ventured into the vast catacombs on the letter "B." And the new word for this segment is "BAILOUT." Should Santa get one?

All the big bad boys from Wall Street came barreling down to DC and demanded a bailout before anyone had a fucking clue what a bailout even was. They used their slick New York talking to convince political idiots to give them $700 billion in free money. Apparently some people confused our REAL U.S. dollar with Canada's FAKE paper money, in which $700 billion can only buy you three plastic hotels and maybe Park Place.

Back to the point. American children are outraged. The neglect for their jolly, old, capitalist, grandfather-like figure is unacceptable. Santa has apparently foreclosed on his home in the North Pole, started to hit the bottle, and has eaten all of his reindeer. The least important being the fact that the "reindeer" were "eaten." Honestly, if you still believe in reindeer at this point, you're an idiot. Sorry kids, Santa has updated a long time ago. A person running a business as large as Santa's has had to adapt and can't get caught up in the cute, old, horse and buggy bullshit. I'm sure Santa is now cruising around in something like this below



We all of course remember the incident several years ago when Santa was "jacked" somewhere around Camden, NJ, and disappointed children all over the country had to go buy back their presents from the local pawn shops. Santa swore to his clients that it would never happen again.

However, with the U.S. automaker's Big Three sent back to the Midwest with their dicks in their hands, it doesn't look good for Santa's rescue package request being filled. Congress grilled Santa about the problems in the Dandy Elves Union of Cambistry Experts (DEUCE). Santa's inner circle of elves were previously accused of laundering money into the workshop from Cock-fight gambling based in Tijuana, a popular off-season hangout for elves.

Please, like politicians don't run all kinds of shit out the backdoor to make bottom-lines. See this slideshow.

I say, give the big man a handout. He single-handedly runs the biggest economic push in our fiscal year, every year. And while Thanksgiving is a much more pleasant holiday, Santa keeps the U.S as the pack leader in buying up the coolest shit from all over the globe. Respect it, don't reject it.

- S. Caustic

Movie Trailer Monday

Todays trailer is for Slumdog Millionaire. This flick is playing in selected cities right now and has all the Oscar buzz surrounding it for Best Picture. It takes place in India and well watch the trailer.I am excited to go see this in Boston or Newport, if you want to join let me know.





In other news:

I heard this weeks top two movies and new releases Yes Man $18.2 million and Will Smith's Seven Pounds $16 million, are both rental type movies not holding up to the high standards of there stars Jim Carey and Smith.

Green Lantern is in the works over at Warner Bros. as there next superhero to come out along with Batman and Superman.

Finally sent in from one special assistant coach to go along with a previous post, click here to read.

This Is What Happened Over The Weekend

While people were shoveling out cars and keeping warm by the fire, I was getting drunk and whipping through the streets with 4 wheel drive Simpson Mobile. What I also did was watch the Patriots, Celtics, and Bruins kick ass. So lets get that eggnog flowing, its Christmas and Hanukkah week which means let's eat, drink, and be merry!!!

JLO LOOK ALIKES

For all you who don't know this is my boy JLO. Here are some lame ass celebrities that I think look like him, so you be the judge. Vote 1. If he looks like the UPS whiteboard guy or vote 2. If he looks like the guy from beauty and the geek.

Epic Fail of the Year

Really? Emerson College is now a huge Division 3 sports school. We don't want you, get over it. Oh and is that your personal pocketbook hanging on the door?

The Manning Bros Are Going To Hawaii?

Ok, how fucking weak is this shit. I mean come on look at these clowns. It is going to be the first time not only brothers make it to the pro bowl, but two brothers that are missing a chromosome. Peyton in this pic looks like he's about to snap and attack a ref using his retard strength, while his brother on the right is about to start using his syndrome skills to try and dry hump this bitches leg. Seriously, how much shit can I take from these two. I fucking have to watch Peyton's ridiculous commercials on the tv more than the guy that does oxyclean and all that other shit. On a side note that guy keeps his beard in check like Doc Rivers tight fade. Anyway, then I have to deal with Eli who won a fucking fluke of a superbowl thanks to a TE that made the best catch in NFL HISTORY. Another blow thanks to the injury bug is that the Patriots are only sending two names to the big show in Hawaii. Its Mr Wes Welker and the polack powered leg of the one and only Gostkowski. I know these boys will rep New England and slay some Polynesian/Samoan pussy. Satan Manning and the other bitch on the otherhand, will inherently rock gay hawaiian shirts and play grab ass all day with each other. Where the hell is the dc sniper when you need him? Fuck the mannings, I'm out.

Thirsty Thursdays Drink of the Day

Asleep Under The Tree

Going with the holiday spirit thing here, I found this concoction called, Asleep Under The Tree. It's basically vodka, gin, rum, sprite, and grenadine in a glass. Great for the Christmas time with the red color and the booze in it will certainly help you get through awkward unemployment talks with your family. Enjoy

Poop Journal #5

Beard update: It's getting itchy, but this thing I read online told me to shampoo my bread rather than soaping it, so now I just shampoo my whole body. I'll let you know when it starts working.

I love christmas cookies. Especially the ones with the hershey kiss in the middle that end up looking like a colombian nipple when they are all said and done. However, I would never eat another one of those cookies if Bill Simmons would promise me to do a podcast everyday. If you don't listen to Bill Simmons you are stupid. I would've only recommended it to Boston sports fans as little as a year ago. However, the podcast has taken it to the next level. The BS Report has gone from Tyson Chandler the Chicago Bull to Tyson Chandler the New Orleans Hornet. The BS Report is throwing down 39 alley-oops a game now, and being asked to be on the olympic team.

Four months ago I broke up with my girlfriend, my parents moved to Houston without me, and I lost my first job out of college. I was walking around like John Cusak in "Better off Dead", only I hadn't tried to hang myself yet. I was fairly deeply entrenched in the "Drink a twelve pack every night and smoke like it's going out of style" phase when something reached down and pulled me out. No, it wasn't Jesus, Madden '09, or cocaine. It was Bill Simmons, Cousin Sal, Jack-O, Matthew Berry and everyone else on the podcast.

He is like the 35 year old version of me. I wonder if it's possible that sometime in the mid-eighties, Bill and my dad used the same toilet seat or something and shortly thereafter, Bill's DNA was accidentally part of my conception. I used to worry about when I will have to stop playing video games and watching sports so that I can worry about mortgage payments and college funds. But now, every week Bill Simmons comes right back and reassures me that I don't have to grow up anytime soon. I was actually worried I would have to give up getting black out drunk and gambling all night with my college buddies forever, but here is a man who does all that, and still makes a living.

The podcast this week wasn't awestriking, but it was a consistent hour of my time at work that I didn't hate. That means a lot. I can say with almost 100% certainty that the BS Report has stopped at least eighteen people from walking into work with a bag lunch and an AK-47. If you don't listen to it yet, go to iTunes podcenter and subscribe….. right now……do it……seriosuly….now.

This week Bill had a kid from the Ohio State basketball team on tot talk about a blog he writes. This kid rides the bench for OSU and blogs about his day to day life. The blog is called Club Trillion because he and the other kids who write/ride the end of the bench usually get to play with about 1 minute left in the game and don't score or do anything. So, their line in the stat column reads 1 000 000 000 000.

I feel like an idiot for not thinking of this before him, but I feel like his blog is probably more interesting because he played with Greg Oden and Mike Conley, while I played with Will Dawkins and Joe Boylan. Not that Rouse and Joe aren't good, but they certainly aren't going to the NBA, I mean playing in the NBA of course.

I want to fully endorse this kid though, as a fellow bench rider. The best part about the blog is that he could play at a mid major, and totally own at a DII or DIII school, but chooses to go to OSU and ride the bench. I certainly couldn't have even started, let alone played, on my high school team but I played in college, so I fully endorse Club Trillion as a member of the same situation. I wish there was some sort of membership, like Red Sox Nation, that every bench rider could be a part of this. All you would have to do is send in a stat sheet with your name and the trillion on it. Can we do that? Can I be a part of club Trillion? I'll give you some tit cookies.......

Well, next week I am going to Houston to visit my parents, but only because my mom bought me a ticket like four months ago. At this point in our relationship, I feel like my parents have abandonned me like Wendy Crewson abandons Macaulay Caulkin at the end of "The Good Son". Anyway, I will try and make posts, but keep checking back at least 17 times a day, just so you can be the first to break the Mark texiera signing to your buddies, as reported by BTP.

Oh, and it's wednesday, which means installment #5 of "Thoughts While Dumping"....here ya go kids.

Random Poop

-Brett Favre selected to the Pro Bowl. Really? Honestly? Are you kidding me? I mean I don't want to sound like a homer but Matt Cassel has a better passer rating, more passing yards, better rushing yards, granted 3 less touchdown passes than Favre but Brett also has 6 more Ints. Same record, same head to head record. Same division... so I would take Matt but I guess he got sacked more times and doesn't have enough grey hair and ESPN doesn't love him enough.

-Curt Schilling actually loves Boston.... read here

-Chris Paul, my favorite non Celtic player, tied the record for most consecutive games with a steal at 105 game... thats crazy.

-How is Trent Dilfer ESPNs football analyst, like I give him props he has a ring, but really Trent Dilfer, I rather get NFL input from Shannon Sharpe's translator.

-Chris Angel "The Mindfreak" is banging Hef's former squeeze Holly, really? what is this world coming too.

-I'm sick of the whole Dallas Cowboys drama, I hate TO and everyone involved except Jessica Simpson, but I'm putting this all on the media, just stop please.

-World Baseball Classic? I blame Dice-K's 2009 horrible season on this event.

-Kevin Durant has new shoes... can he get some new teammates?

-Chris Berman is now on the nutrisystem commercials with Marino and Golic... pathetic

-If you want to help a BTP family member out, Digg this site

-Fuck the Hawks and this man... Go Celtics!!!

-Kelly Kapowski AKA Tiffani Amber Theissen is pregnant... do you think Mr. Belding approves

Here is a video of Dennis with Brooke Hogan at Dimples (a karaoke bar in LA)... I have been there and if you have sources you could probably dig up a video of K Jeezy and I singing Sweet Caroline and screaming Fuck Yous to Yankee fans. And then right after us Mr. Belding got up and sang Just a Gigolo

Movies today: Not too Cocky?

Don’t take it the wrong way, I’m not thinking of sausages in any other context besides a snack outside Fenway Park. But after watching pervertedly sexual, romantic comedy “Zack and Miri Make a Porno” with a lady friend and comparing it to “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” and “Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story” as we were walking out the theater, we had a unique conversation that I figured I should share with you all. In case you haven’t noticed because you’re a tree-hugging mangina who only reads books, there’s been a significant growth of cock in movies lately, something that used to be forbidden and unseen no matter how nipplicious a movie was. In these most recent movies, the dick show is very similar: guys just standing still, talking about something random as they just so happen to be naked. It isn’t a sex scene. They’re just…naked. Why not? Isn’t it a nice world to be in, to be naked on screen for no special purpose, not seen as out of the norm, just for the hell of it. That's the kind of world I’m enjoying living in, though I wasn’t inspired to strip down in the theater. I haven’t even had the balls to poke a hole in my popcorn box, just attempted to rub a girl between her legs…but it wasn’t on the money…and she had jeans on…what was I talking about again?

So we’re walking out of the movie and I ask the girl: “So did you enjoy all that dick? You got just as much dick as I got to see boobs”. She was like “ Well, it actually wasn’t that big of a deal. I like seeing the whole body, not just a close up of the package”. When do men ever complain of a close up on a rack., unless it’s the old saggy tits from Magna in “There’s Something About Mary”. Though I guess her comment made sense in terms of how women like different kinds of features on men’s bodies than we desire to admire on women’s. That’s not to say we only look for T&A, but how often do we judge women by their arms, shoulders and six-pack? Then the conversation took a whole new course, as to why men have it better than women. When a guy sees boobs in movies, close up or not, we are seeing them in their ideal and best form. Women on the other hand see men’s junk soft, hanging, often smaller than their full size, bunched up in the forest…basically its not always very impressive. Unfortunately for the women, most comedians who are willing to show their junk aren’t hung like a donkey at a Mexican county fair, so it would be like if the majority of topless women in movies were flat chested with pencil nipples. So don’t take this campaign of thought the wrong way, I’m not suggesting for bigger, stiff dicks in movies. I’m just pointing out that, ladies, it sucks to be you, yet I’m sure your time of glory will arrive before long. As for my fellow men: though the cost of going to the movies is lick a drop kick in the nuts, at least we get better entertainment value.

~Sir Charles

Things that need to happen by 2009

Hello there. I have been thinking a lot lately, and have been watching a lot of television. Mostly what I see is previews for the all new episode of NCIS or car commercials that advertise 23 mpg highway fuel efficiency. Really? You are a car company advertising your new and improved vehicle at 23 mpg highway? That's your marketing campaign? Honestly? What?! I just did this in my pants.....

Anyway, I have been thinking a lot about 2008, and it's almost that time where every station either has a "Rocky" marathon, or does a "Best of 2008" special. I figured I'd counter their feeble attempts to remind us of a year where the economy took the worst turn since the great depression and the Patriots lost in the Superbowl, ruining everyone's chances to see an undefeated NFL team, and also ruining Teddy's life for like 3-4 weeks. That was the closest Teddy had came to crying since the time freshman year when he called me from the floor bathroom hammered and made me stop playing Halo and take him to his bed. I don't wanna relive 2008. I just don't. It was certainly pleasant. I grew chest hair and tried soup, pasta, and avocado for the first time in my life. However, 2008 also hit me with some stuff that i was NOT too pleased with.

So, without further adieu, here are some things that should NOT happen anymore in 2009.

1.) Men should not cry anymore - There has got to be a better way to express your deep felt sorrow and emotion than crying. I have certainly gotten more in touch with my feelings over the last year, and I really am not too against crying in general. I do NOT like the feeling of crying though, and as a man, I think crying just doesn't really do a whole lot for our image. I would like to think that we could scientifically engineer our bodies to something else besides crying. Like, maybe we could sweat a whole lot instead of crying? Like somewhere in a pretty conspicuous place...possibly sweat a ton from your left armpit or something. That way, ladies could see that you were getting emotional, but you wouldn't have to look like the dude in the video below.



2.) Pay phones need to stop existing - Honestly, when was the last time someone used a pay phone? Like 1997? Is there even any way the phone company makes money off pay phones? I feel like the phone company just sin't ready to give up on pay phones yet, kind of like how Al Davis won't give up on JaMarcus Russel, or ESPN won't give up on "Mayne Street". I was seriously hoping that Mayne Street would work. I kinda like a lot of the stuff Kenny does, and I am buying his book if I don't get it for christmas. However, I just can't like the show. They had me going when Larry Tate-Office Linebacker stopped by for an episode, but I (and I think I speak for america here) just don't wanna waste 3 to 4 minutes every 3 days watching a new webisode that just doesn't have a plot line. I'll stick to "This is Sportscenter" podcast for my Sportscenter related humor.

3.) No new game shows, especially ones being hosted by Howie Mandel - Did you know he was coming out with a new show? Yep. The only show Howie Mandel should be a star on is/was "Bobbie's World". That is really where he reached his peak. First it was "Let's make a deal" and now he is getting ashow where the only premise is that Howie Mandel hosts it? Next thing you know, the sky will be falling, and nuclear holocaust will follow shortly.

4.) As long as we're talking about TV, NCIS needs to stop....now - I have a housemate who actually really likes the show. I don't want to possibly hurt her feelings here, but I just can't see how anyone could like this show. It's as predictable as a Disney love story, or any episode of "Two and a half Men". I mean honestly, if you don't watch 'Dexter" but find yourself watching shows like CSI:Miami and NCIS....you need to outside, dig a hole, and bury yourself in it. (Not you Liz.) The only shows anyone should watch on TV are: (I thought a lot about this and I know I am leaving some shows off, but this is my list for now) Dexter, Entourage, 30 Rock, The Office, Jeopardy, ESPN, Intervention on A&E, and anything on the discovery or food network. Anything else is mostly trash.

5.) Everyone should be forced to have a night-cap - Just when you think you've had that last beer and you are ready to go to bed, don't. Wobble to the fridge, grab a cold-12-ounce friend, and sit back and watch the top 10 plays 2 more times. This is NEVER a bad idea. and, if you get in the habit of drinking just ONE more beer, you'll eventually stay awake long enough to make it worth it (I am talking about that time when you want to go to bed but end up staying out with your buddies for one more, and eventually end up going home with a 34 bi-sexual nurse who has 2 nipple rings and is really excited she met you).

6.) Everyone should acknowledge each others presence - I am mostly baffled by my neighbors. I am not a scary looking dude, but every time I mow the lawn, take the trash out, or walk to the gas station to get one more beer, they treat me like I was a leper back in Jesus's time. I mean, just tonight I was walking back from the gas station and I saw one of my neighbors getting out of her car. She literally sprinted from her car to the front door as a slowly strolled toward her, no closer than 50 feet away. I just don't get it, if everyone gave the obligatory head nod, ther would be no crime...I'm fairly sure.

7.) Scientists need to figure out how to get 13 beers into a 12 pack - How come it's ok for a baker to put 13 bagels in a bag, but acceptable for beer companies to not extend the same offer? Well, it's not. I'm mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore! I don't know how they are gonna fit another can in the case, but I don't think they need my input. These scientists already figured out how to give me an erection for 4 hours, so I think they can handle the extra can....

I'm sure there are other things that need to change in 2009. I wouldn't mind it if I got a wicked raise from my boss, or if Diane Lane/Jane Seymour/the woman from "40 year old Virgin" suddenly wanted to employ me as a pool boy/sex toy, but I don't think those things will happen. I am hoping that, with my, and your support that these 7 things can get accomplished. Lofty dreams I know, but I am an optimist at heart. STay tuned for the poop journal tomorrow!

Alphabetical American Anarchy

Presenting a new series called ALPHABETICAL AMERICAN ANARCHY: Defending the Liberty of Things that Rule A-Z. (A column that highlights important topics in proper alphabetical order.)

There is something that we all share as Americans, and that is a country. Which brings us to our first big “A” word ~ Alliteration. My title has it. But also, American.

Within this country, I have found this blog, and it rings true with freedom. It rings true deep in the bowels of men. This man [see image] read the blog and couldn't finish reading after one post. That is because he is not a true American or a man.

The producers of BTP may have found one of the last free forums in the world - the merciless Internet blog. A place that can only exist in America. A place where no punches are pulled or words dressed in pretty pink polo shirts with Ed Hardy sequence patches. BTP has pulled back the skin to get on everyone's nerves. They don't go with "Pay to Play" politics like a certain Gov. Blagofenogavishit. Many animals were harmed in the making of this blog, because we are men. And protecting animals is ghey.

I also came across a list of the 25 "meanest" things ever said by men here. The most important being #11. "If you're going to spit at me, make sure you hit me in the face. Don't be wasting my time." —Dennis Rodman And Dennis makes an excellent point. Don't waste my fucking time. Unless I'm at work. Or waiting to transfer airplanes cause sometimes that shit takes forever.

In between watching the Celtics dominate every team and eating Tollhouse break-n-bake chocolate chip cookies, something clicked in my head - and it wasn't an arrow in my skull like this Chinese boy. It was the thought that there are still people out there like BTP who care enough to say what needs to be said. Whose keyboards move with animosity and vigor as if harnessing the energy of a Disturbed concert push-pit. They want us to believe in hope again, and not be pessimistic. The future doesn’t have to look like the Road Warrior. But still, if you try to siphon my gas tank, I will spike you.

In conclusion, this site reeks of patriotism. Take in the red beer, white tits, and blue poop. Because I believe again.

S. Coughlin

Tuesday = Tease

Usually Tuesdays = Tits, but today I feel like this is an appropriate title change. Brianna Frost ladies and gents. Enjoy!

MILESTONES

I am King of our Fantasy Football League, going wire to wire running an impressive 11-2 regular season record and then finishing the Coucci Bros in the the semis and finals I deservedly won the Championship. My top three fantasy players of the year... #3 Marion Barber, just a straight up touchdown machine #2 Drew Brees #1 Michael Turner, surprise of the year who was a work horse that got me through most weeks.


More importantly over the weekend we reached our 1,000th visit. So thank you readers keep on keeping on. If you have any suggestions, ideas, or want to post something, email us at: thetam21@gmail.com

Movie Trailer Monday

Not only does Hugh Jackman land as People's sexiest human being, and is going to host the Oscars but he also has wrapped on Marvels summer blockbuster, Wolverine. Yes this is the prequel to all the X-Men movies about the formation of Wolverine.





In other film news...

-Guy Ritchie is in production of a Sherlock Holmes flick starring Robert Downey Jr. as Holmes and Jude Law as Dr. Watson

- Seth Rogen, Anna Faris, Michael Pena, and Ray Liotta are starring in Observe & Report, I have read half the script and Jeezy has read the whole thing pretty funny movie slated for this coming summer

- Finally Kenneth Branagh, the director of upcoming film Thor says the movie will be a big story with a big budget.

AplusFilmz

This is from our boy Fredo out in L.A.

AplusFilmz check it out



NIKE "WATCH YOUR BACK" from APLUSFILMZ on Vimeo.

holla at them for any of your professional video needs.

Sometimes thing bother me

So, check it out. I know I don't often post cloumns, but I have been thinking alot at work and I had to voice my feelings. First, I'd like to wish you all a very Maury Christmas...

This had special meaning to me because I spent a lot of time during the last two years of college on a Lazy-Boy eating oreos and finding out who the father was of Natasha's baby. Anyway I was thinking about the Sabbathia deal today and it just made me laugh. Well, mostly what made me laugh was that while I was thinking about it I was listening to the 100th BS Report, which is a podcast by none other than the smartest man I've never met in person, Bill Simmons. I have to say, if you DON't listen to the BS Report, or podcast in general, you're an idiot. They are free, and they make shitty jobs 90% more enjoyable. The BS Report is the only thing that makes me consistently laugh out loud. I'm not sure if it's because life after college is just far less fun, or if it also has something to do with my life specifically, but I can only imagine that it's a little bit of both. Anyway, a couple good points were made during the section of the podcast where Bill talks to his buddy, and Yankee fan, from college, Jack-O. If you followed the trade talks at all, you know CC wanted to stay in the NL, in a smaller market, preferably in California. So, his agent comes back with and offer in New York, the AL, and the hugest market in baseball. Not to mention, here is an athlete that easily weighs twice as much as the reigning AL MVP, Little Dusty. I don't know if they worked out the contract yet, but rumor has it that Sabbathia has a stipulation in his contract where he also plays D tackle for the NY Giants twice a year, and represents the Yanks in Nathan's Hot Dog eating contest on Coney Island for the next 7 summers. (That's even if they trade him in the 5th year)That being said, I couldn't be happier the Yankees forced this dude to be on their team. What could be better than a guy who doesn't respond well to pressure (look at his playoff ERA and W-L record), who is out of shape, and will never dream of living up to his contract playing the city that eats athletes alive? I can't wait until opening day of the new stadium when Sabbathia goes 3IP with 5ER and 5BB. I hope they just burn the implode the place, with Brian Cashman and Hank Steinbrenner under it, and start the season brand new again, sharing the new Shea.

I will have more thoughts to come, but now I am going to drive over to my friend's parents house and eat dinner there, cause I'm broke and I haven't gone food shopping in a week and a half.

The Dark Knight News!!!

The Dark Knight will be re-released in theaters January 23, 2009. This will give the film buzz going into the Oscars as well as putting the film over the $1 billion dollar mark.


Breaking News... Just announced that Heath Ledger has been nominated for a Best Supporting Actor Award at the Golden Globes for his role as The Joker. Let's just say this is a good thing for a potential Oscar nomination.

One Day, this will be us...

So over at CollegeHumor.com, they have a nice office in New York and this is what they do for there jobs. One day when BTP is that big we will be making a sweet music video and drink beer too

Economic Crisis... the Yankees don't give a shit.

On the same day that the ever so immortal NFL laid off 150 people and a report released suggested the Arena Football League had died, both due to the financial crisis, CC Sabathia signs with the Evil Empire for $161 million dollars. Let me repeat that for you one more time. $161 million = one player. One player who started this past season with a 6-8 record and has never won 20 games in a season. One player who's lifetime ERA pitching at the old Yankee stadium in the pressure of New York is 8.61. One player who didn't even win the Cy Young in their league this past year. No, that award belongs to a special San Franciscian, Mr. Timmy "The Freak-Franchise" Lincecum. Looks like someone can make a fortune easier in Major League Baseball than be a guest on Oprah. Don't take this the wrong way, I've got no beef with CC, I haven't been a hater of his until he became a Yankee. In fact, in a way, I'm glad that he's taking $161 millllllion of the Yankees dollars that they can't spend elsewhere. But if you think take this one player's contract, it could have saved the entire Arena Football League. What bothers me is that I had hoped the financial crisis would do at least one good thing and bring the salary prices down for professional athletes, leading to smaller egos and cheaper tickets. But the Yanks had to dissapoint me yet again with this massively overpriced contract to a pitcher who I won't be the least bit surprised if he too pulls a "Barry Zito". Ok...maybe not that bad, but I don't at all see him living up to $161 million dollar expectations. Can you imagine what the ticket prices are going to be in the new Yankee Stadium when just three of the 25 players on payroll are costing the team $75 million for just the 2009 season (in case you aren't disgusted enough, that $75 mil is more than 13 teams entire payroll by the way)? How many kids in the Bronx are going to be able to see their heros in person?

It would be one thing if it was just the Yankees who were being this ridiculous with their piggy bank, but you know all the other free agents were waiting for CC to get signed so they could model their contracts off of his. Already T-Chop look-a-like Mark Teixeira, who in six seasons has only finished once with 40+ homers and three times with a .300+ batting average, has been offered two $150+ million contracts with likely more to come. He's a good switch hitter, but...really? $150 million for him? Guess a million dollars just isn't what I think it is anymore. To sign off on a funny note, isn't it great to be a Yankee fan like LeBron James, where SportsCenter values his opinion on the CC signing more than anyone else other than Derek Jeter, the only Yankee player Red Sox fans seem to at least somewhat respect. There was no opinions from A-Rod, Girardi, Steinbrenner, or Steve Phillips. Just Yankee Fan/To-be-Knick-in-two-years King James.

~ SIR CHARLES

Thirsty Thursdays Drink of the Day

Hot Toddy

I was watching a youtube video of Common making his grandmothers recipe of a Hot Toddy, because he was sick and had to go on Ellen and perform. The recipe varies to individual but if your going to make a drink you might as well taste the booze so here is how I would make it. So in honor of Common next time your sick make a Hot Toddy

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Ingredients:

2/3 Hot Tea

1/3 Whiskey/Bourbon

2 Tsp. Honey

Slice of Lemon

Pinch of Cinnamon

Poop Journal Wednesday!!

I know that this is being posted late Wednesday, and no one will see it until early Thursday at the latest, but come on, I have a full time job and I go to church choir on Wednesday's so it's tough for me to keep up on this shit. Here is the poop journal weekly reading:

I also recently found this thing I wrote...I thought it would be a memoir at one point, but then realized my life wasn't interesting enough...while working at the hospital between freshman and sophomore year of college. Some interesting thoughts in there that I will probably share with you. It's mostly me talking to myself during work so that I didn't fall asleep, or go crazy. Anywhere from 30-50 percent of the entire 80 pages (single spaced....I mean, I worked there for an entire summer) is about a girl who broke my heart slowly over that time, but I will spare you those terribly stupid and uninteresting details.
Also, allow me to share with you a situation in which someone was a terrible friend. I'll leave it up to you as to whether or not I should continue to be friends with this person, just drop me a comment below and I will plug the response into a formula and decide if I will ever see/talk to this person again. So, I drove six hours to Boston from where I live. Mainly to go see my college basketball team, but as a close second, I went to see my friend from school and get drunk and have a sweet time. Anyways, its the end of the night, if you aren't blacked out, you're close, or on your way. We are looking for a cab in a group of 5 because the other people we were with already got a cab and bounced. One of my buddies friends, who came up to Boston with him has an entire cheese pizza waiting to be drunkenly scarfed. So, as we walk to the ATM so my buddy can get cab money, I see a security guard I used to hang out with and talk to all the time. So, while waiting for my buddy, I go over and shoot the shit with this lady. They, cash in hand, walk right by me and continue to look for a cab. I'm not done talking, so it would be rude to leave the conversation. However, at this point I can't see them anymore, so I hastily end the talk and start down the street after my friends. On the way I call him, and it turns out they already got a cab, and they are all in it, headed to the place they are gonna sleep. How fucked up is that? They left me all alone in downtown Boston with no one to split a cab with and they are all laughing a giggling on the way home. More importantly, they get back and eat all the pizza their greedy little sausage-fingers can handle, and the next morning there are still 3 slices left. Those could of been my slices!!!! I'm not even mad they left me, I just wanted some pizza!!!!! What a terrible dude, right?!?!?!???

Anna Faris has a nice bum

From The House Bunny

REVIEW

KANYE WEST - 808s & Heartbreak




So let's get this out of the way. Kanye West, in my eyes is first a producer, then a hip-hop artist, a rapper. This album displays his producer skills as well or if not better than any of his previous albums. His use of Roland TR-808 drum machine is magnificent. However as well as this album is produced the type of music is far from hip-hop and more pop music. I would not have a problem with this but people and radio stations are still declaring his singles as hip-hop. Come on people this is as pop as you can get. His lyrics are deep but you can read through them. Most of the tracks are about his fallout with fiancee Alexis Phifer along with the death of his mother.

The album for me is better listened to as a whole where all the tracks take on the same tone and mood. If you have Kanye tracks from all albums on shuffle a 808s song comes on it doesn't fit at all. Stronger and then Love Lockdown is not really a great blend. Some highlighted songs for me are Heartless, Paranoid, and my favorite Amazing ft. Young Jeezy. I like this album, it's not that bad but it would be better if it wasn't Kanye singing, because this means I have to wait a whole year or two until another true hip-hop banger is released by him. You should def. cop this but, maybe not buy just so his numbers are low and he will go back to rapping about his "greatness" rather than singing about his "heartbreaks".

Jessica Biel

So if you know me I have loved this girl since she was Mary Camden on 7th Heaven and then I really fell in love with her when she was in Summer Catch. I bought Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the new one, just because she is in it. I thought nothing could get better than the Chuck & Larry scene until this new movie Powder Blue, and she plays a stripper. Here is the trailer...

A guiness wrote this paper

Tuesdays = Tits

Cleavage edition...

Bow To The King

All I have to say is you got to be fucking kidding me. I researched this so called “incident” that occurred between Steven Seagal and Judo Gene Lebell and it just makes me laugh. The supposive story is that after disputes and arguments on the set of a movie, Judo Gene Lebell choked out Steven Seagal causing him defecate/urinate his pants. After probing the internet for sometime I found that this story has more holes than swiss cheese and is about as true as a greek myth. The real story is that Gene Lebell (the stunt coordinator) and his crew (stuntmen) were quite unhappy with the salary they were receiving for their labor. Many on set confrontations about this issue caused Gene and his entourage to be fired from the movie.
Following the firing Judo Gene and his disgruntled stuntmen fabricated this story about Seagal to try to sabotage the movie. Honestly I would be pretty pissed too if I were being underpaid and then my ass got canned. Anyway I did find out that Judo Gene in his prime was the balls, but this old fart is the only one shitting his pants these days. Really how many depends do you think this guy goes through during the week? He is so old that he should leave the choking out to TJ Strongbow and Ted DiBiase and continue to star in planet of the apes movies.

Golden Eye stop wasting your time trying to tarnish the kings reputation and stick to Nintendo 64. Here is a clip of Seagal kicking some ass and taking names.



T MONEY

How To Make Your Girl Like Sports

Hey there sports fans. Does your lady role her eyes when you want to watch a game? Is she making it difficult for sports to be a primary factor in your life? Well here are some tips of how to get her head in the game.

The first step is getting her interested in sports. Women love gossip, and the sports world has plenty of it. Who is Tom Brady knocking up next? Whom is Matt Leinart dating or cheating on? Are Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson the next Tony Parker and Eva Longoria? Use her social mags (People, US Weekly, Life & Style) to acquaint your dearest with these affairs. The key here is to get her interested in a specific athlete, rather than the sport itself. A common approach would be to find her athletes that she’s particularly attracted to. Grab a Sports Illustrated and help her pick one out. Its time for you to swallow your pride and support her having a little crush. Lets face it: Would you watch women’s tennis if it wasn’t for Anna Kournikova?
Once she has established an interest in one athlete, team or sport, indulge her interest with gifts. Give her something that you’re confident she will like and use, regardless of whether you like it. If that means a pink football jersey of the player she has a crush on, so be it. But don’t forget to be creative. A jersey with her name is cute, yet Red Sox panties may ignite an exciting bridge between your sex life and love of sports. Ultimately it’s very important to assure her that she looks very sexy in sports gear.

On game day, don’t take chances and plan ahead carefully. If the game is at 7:15, tell her the game is at 6. When you arrive at 6:30, that gives you 45 minutes to get food and take a stop at the gift shop. Know ahead of time where the dipping dots, cotton candy and Cesar salad wrap stands are located, so when she asks for one in the middle of the game, you don’t waste time looking. Encourage her to feel comfortable about eating ball park food, but be understanding if she’s really not interested.
Finally, explaining the game. This is something you should practice, maybe with note cards. It is crucial that you don’t confuse her with your explanation the first time, even if she doesn’t understand everything right away. This could be like the Geek Squad explaining a computer problem to me in Arabic. Make your points slow, simple and clear.

During the game, find ways to keep her enthused by making all aspects of the game exciting, especially with a slow action sport such as baseball or football. A tip would be making constant little bets throughout the game. For instance, bet her that a team won’t get a hit in an inning, that the batter is about to be struck out, or the following play will be a pass play. The named prizes differ on the interests of the couple, but it is yet another means of inspiring sex with your sports. Depending on the winner, it could be a foot massage before bed or a halftime hummer in the parking lot. As always be creative and the players may not be the only ones scoring at the game.

Above all, make sure she understands how special it is that you can share your passion of sports with her, and that you appreciate her for it. Commend her with how impressed you are any time she makes an effort to drop names or knowledge, regardless if her mistakes are far off. Personally, if she’s willing to stick it out in the sun or snow for three hours as an effort to be closer to you, an episode of Oprah or The Hills isn’t the end of the world. Good luck my fellow fans. I know it’s a lot of work, but believe me, it’s worth it.

~Sir Charles

What A Weekend

What a great weekend... the Celtics and Bruins extended there winning streaks and the Patriots well, got the W. The Pats won ugly but a win is a win. I love the fact that somehow Bill Belichick can convince Junior Seau to come out of retirement and play football in three days. Like Seau is washed up and old, why the hell would you want to go hit someone who could be your grandson. Bob Kraft must have some great "on the side" girls who do some crazy things to do the convincing. Next week against Oakland we might bring Andy Katzenmoyer in and tell him to man the fuck up with his neck and make some tackles.

The Celtics smashed up on Portland and there Bill Russell wannabe center and then gave Indiana blue balls with a P.P. 3 with 7 seconds to go to send it to OT and rode Jesus' big scoring night and KG's 20 boards to victory. That must suck for Indiana.

Also in case your living in a bubble you should know that Boston has the best sports teams EVER, well this century with out a doubt. The Bruins are in first place and on a crazy winning streak. I like hockey, I've been to my fair share of games from Bruins to P-Bruins to games at Hetland, but I never have let my Bruins support be known because for a while we were the laughing stock of the NHL, until now. The northeast has the best college hockey in the country and right now the B's are the shit. I'm just hoping that they can win the Stanley Cup this year because I want to say that Boston won a Super Bowl, NBA Championship, World Series, and a Stanley Cup in a decade... can any other city say that?

Finally, ever since I have seen Jamie Lynn Sigler in Entourage I have seen her everywhere and the more I see her the more I'm falling in love with her... she is a sexy DUMPA. Peep her in this hilarious SNL vid.





P.S. It snowed today, it's about time to hit the slopes

Segal is a pussy. Period.

Yes I know his name is spelled wrong. I did that on on purpose because I have zero respect for this pony-tail toting dueschbag. You know what I have negative respect for him if that's even possible. I wouldn't be surprised if tomorrow he tries to revamp his career and do like a my new haircut-esque video with like some stupid numchuck swinging or something cause he is that fucking stupid. Like I would love someone to explain to me his fucking ridiculous vocabulary in that video that was posted by a certain person that will not be named. What the fuck is a mamook? If that's even how you spell it. I'm not even sure its a real word, actually I'm certain it isn't a real word. Also categorize fanook under fake words he uses in that clip. I agree its wildly entertaining seeing Segal go around and make fun of all those retards in that bar. Its actually hysterical to think that every one of those guys in the bar would take that amount of shit from a guy with such a gay ponytail. Must be because he is "hiding behind his badge and his gun" because they told us at least a hundred times in that 6 minute video. My favorite part is when Segal and that tiny Asian man they call "Sticks" fight over the last piece of sushi with their chopsticks. Classic.

Anyway information has been brought to light about a certain judo master choking Segal out and making him shit his pants in front of a room full of people. That's right you heard me. HE SHITTED HIS PANTS AFTER BEING CHOKED UNCONSCIOUS IN FRONT OF A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE. The man I speak of is this young buck "Judo" Gene Lebell:If this guy doesn't strike fear in your heart I don't know who will. Ha ha. Are you joking? Segal is sooo tough he got choked out by a hundred year old dude. I mean look at this guy. Father Time must be one tough old fuck. Under normal circumstances I would not believe this story but its been confirmed online by a bunch of people and since I don't know Segal personally and neither does that guy who posted about him I'm just gonna take this story as true. Anyway if you don't believe this guy could choke Segal out enjoy this video of Gene choking out every race and size of person. This video is a real video not some Hollywood movie that allows some guy with a ponytail and a badge necklace to pool ball a bar full of tattoo wearing mamooks?



P.S. For the record Segal runs like Pheobe from friends

-Golden Eye