Things that need to happen by 2009

Hello there. I have been thinking a lot lately, and have been watching a lot of television. Mostly what I see is previews for the all new episode of NCIS or car commercials that advertise 23 mpg highway fuel efficiency. Really? You are a car company advertising your new and improved vehicle at 23 mpg highway? That's your marketing campaign? Honestly? What?! I just did this in my pants.....

Anyway, I have been thinking a lot about 2008, and it's almost that time where every station either has a "Rocky" marathon, or does a "Best of 2008" special. I figured I'd counter their feeble attempts to remind us of a year where the economy took the worst turn since the great depression and the Patriots lost in the Superbowl, ruining everyone's chances to see an undefeated NFL team, and also ruining Teddy's life for like 3-4 weeks. That was the closest Teddy had came to crying since the time freshman year when he called me from the floor bathroom hammered and made me stop playing Halo and take him to his bed. I don't wanna relive 2008. I just don't. It was certainly pleasant. I grew chest hair and tried soup, pasta, and avocado for the first time in my life. However, 2008 also hit me with some stuff that i was NOT too pleased with.

So, without further adieu, here are some things that should NOT happen anymore in 2009.

1.) Men should not cry anymore - There has got to be a better way to express your deep felt sorrow and emotion than crying. I have certainly gotten more in touch with my feelings over the last year, and I really am not too against crying in general. I do NOT like the feeling of crying though, and as a man, I think crying just doesn't really do a whole lot for our image. I would like to think that we could scientifically engineer our bodies to something else besides crying. Like, maybe we could sweat a whole lot instead of crying? Like somewhere in a pretty conspicuous place...possibly sweat a ton from your left armpit or something. That way, ladies could see that you were getting emotional, but you wouldn't have to look like the dude in the video below.



2.) Pay phones need to stop existing - Honestly, when was the last time someone used a pay phone? Like 1997? Is there even any way the phone company makes money off pay phones? I feel like the phone company just sin't ready to give up on pay phones yet, kind of like how Al Davis won't give up on JaMarcus Russel, or ESPN won't give up on "Mayne Street". I was seriously hoping that Mayne Street would work. I kinda like a lot of the stuff Kenny does, and I am buying his book if I don't get it for christmas. However, I just can't like the show. They had me going when Larry Tate-Office Linebacker stopped by for an episode, but I (and I think I speak for america here) just don't wanna waste 3 to 4 minutes every 3 days watching a new webisode that just doesn't have a plot line. I'll stick to "This is Sportscenter" podcast for my Sportscenter related humor.

3.) No new game shows, especially ones being hosted by Howie Mandel - Did you know he was coming out with a new show? Yep. The only show Howie Mandel should be a star on is/was "Bobbie's World". That is really where he reached his peak. First it was "Let's make a deal" and now he is getting ashow where the only premise is that Howie Mandel hosts it? Next thing you know, the sky will be falling, and nuclear holocaust will follow shortly.

4.) As long as we're talking about TV, NCIS needs to stop....now - I have a housemate who actually really likes the show. I don't want to possibly hurt her feelings here, but I just can't see how anyone could like this show. It's as predictable as a Disney love story, or any episode of "Two and a half Men". I mean honestly, if you don't watch 'Dexter" but find yourself watching shows like CSI:Miami and NCIS....you need to outside, dig a hole, and bury yourself in it. (Not you Liz.) The only shows anyone should watch on TV are: (I thought a lot about this and I know I am leaving some shows off, but this is my list for now) Dexter, Entourage, 30 Rock, The Office, Jeopardy, ESPN, Intervention on A&E, and anything on the discovery or food network. Anything else is mostly trash.

5.) Everyone should be forced to have a night-cap - Just when you think you've had that last beer and you are ready to go to bed, don't. Wobble to the fridge, grab a cold-12-ounce friend, and sit back and watch the top 10 plays 2 more times. This is NEVER a bad idea. and, if you get in the habit of drinking just ONE more beer, you'll eventually stay awake long enough to make it worth it (I am talking about that time when you want to go to bed but end up staying out with your buddies for one more, and eventually end up going home with a 34 bi-sexual nurse who has 2 nipple rings and is really excited she met you).

6.) Everyone should acknowledge each others presence - I am mostly baffled by my neighbors. I am not a scary looking dude, but every time I mow the lawn, take the trash out, or walk to the gas station to get one more beer, they treat me like I was a leper back in Jesus's time. I mean, just tonight I was walking back from the gas station and I saw one of my neighbors getting out of her car. She literally sprinted from her car to the front door as a slowly strolled toward her, no closer than 50 feet away. I just don't get it, if everyone gave the obligatory head nod, ther would be no crime...I'm fairly sure.

7.) Scientists need to figure out how to get 13 beers into a 12 pack - How come it's ok for a baker to put 13 bagels in a bag, but acceptable for beer companies to not extend the same offer? Well, it's not. I'm mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore! I don't know how they are gonna fit another can in the case, but I don't think they need my input. These scientists already figured out how to give me an erection for 4 hours, so I think they can handle the extra can....

I'm sure there are other things that need to change in 2009. I wouldn't mind it if I got a wicked raise from my boss, or if Diane Lane/Jane Seymour/the woman from "40 year old Virgin" suddenly wanted to employ me as a pool boy/sex toy, but I don't think those things will happen. I am hoping that, with my, and your support that these 7 things can get accomplished. Lofty dreams I know, but I am an optimist at heart. STay tuned for the poop journal tomorrow!