Alphabetical American Anarchy

We have now ventured into the vast catacombs on the letter "B." And the new word for this segment is "BAILOUT." Should Santa get one?

All the big bad boys from Wall Street came barreling down to DC and demanded a bailout before anyone had a fucking clue what a bailout even was. They used their slick New York talking to convince political idiots to give them $700 billion in free money. Apparently some people confused our REAL U.S. dollar with Canada's FAKE paper money, in which $700 billion can only buy you three plastic hotels and maybe Park Place.

Back to the point. American children are outraged. The neglect for their jolly, old, capitalist, grandfather-like figure is unacceptable. Santa has apparently foreclosed on his home in the North Pole, started to hit the bottle, and has eaten all of his reindeer. The least important being the fact that the "reindeer" were "eaten." Honestly, if you still believe in reindeer at this point, you're an idiot. Sorry kids, Santa has updated a long time ago. A person running a business as large as Santa's has had to adapt and can't get caught up in the cute, old, horse and buggy bullshit. I'm sure Santa is now cruising around in something like this below



We all of course remember the incident several years ago when Santa was "jacked" somewhere around Camden, NJ, and disappointed children all over the country had to go buy back their presents from the local pawn shops. Santa swore to his clients that it would never happen again.

However, with the U.S. automaker's Big Three sent back to the Midwest with their dicks in their hands, it doesn't look good for Santa's rescue package request being filled. Congress grilled Santa about the problems in the Dandy Elves Union of Cambistry Experts (DEUCE). Santa's inner circle of elves were previously accused of laundering money into the workshop from Cock-fight gambling based in Tijuana, a popular off-season hangout for elves.

Please, like politicians don't run all kinds of shit out the backdoor to make bottom-lines. See this slideshow.

I say, give the big man a handout. He single-handedly runs the biggest economic push in our fiscal year, every year. And while Thanksgiving is a much more pleasant holiday, Santa keeps the U.S as the pack leader in buying up the coolest shit from all over the globe. Respect it, don't reject it.

- S. Caustic