Poop Journal #5

Beard update: It's getting itchy, but this thing I read online told me to shampoo my bread rather than soaping it, so now I just shampoo my whole body. I'll let you know when it starts working.

I love christmas cookies. Especially the ones with the hershey kiss in the middle that end up looking like a colombian nipple when they are all said and done. However, I would never eat another one of those cookies if Bill Simmons would promise me to do a podcast everyday. If you don't listen to Bill Simmons you are stupid. I would've only recommended it to Boston sports fans as little as a year ago. However, the podcast has taken it to the next level. The BS Report has gone from Tyson Chandler the Chicago Bull to Tyson Chandler the New Orleans Hornet. The BS Report is throwing down 39 alley-oops a game now, and being asked to be on the olympic team.

Four months ago I broke up with my girlfriend, my parents moved to Houston without me, and I lost my first job out of college. I was walking around like John Cusak in "Better off Dead", only I hadn't tried to hang myself yet. I was fairly deeply entrenched in the "Drink a twelve pack every night and smoke like it's going out of style" phase when something reached down and pulled me out. No, it wasn't Jesus, Madden '09, or cocaine. It was Bill Simmons, Cousin Sal, Jack-O, Matthew Berry and everyone else on the podcast.

He is like the 35 year old version of me. I wonder if it's possible that sometime in the mid-eighties, Bill and my dad used the same toilet seat or something and shortly thereafter, Bill's DNA was accidentally part of my conception. I used to worry about when I will have to stop playing video games and watching sports so that I can worry about mortgage payments and college funds. But now, every week Bill Simmons comes right back and reassures me that I don't have to grow up anytime soon. I was actually worried I would have to give up getting black out drunk and gambling all night with my college buddies forever, but here is a man who does all that, and still makes a living.

The podcast this week wasn't awestriking, but it was a consistent hour of my time at work that I didn't hate. That means a lot. I can say with almost 100% certainty that the BS Report has stopped at least eighteen people from walking into work with a bag lunch and an AK-47. If you don't listen to it yet, go to iTunes podcenter and subscribe….. right now……do it……seriosuly….now.

This week Bill had a kid from the Ohio State basketball team on tot talk about a blog he writes. This kid rides the bench for OSU and blogs about his day to day life. The blog is called Club Trillion because he and the other kids who write/ride the end of the bench usually get to play with about 1 minute left in the game and don't score or do anything. So, their line in the stat column reads 1 000 000 000 000.

I feel like an idiot for not thinking of this before him, but I feel like his blog is probably more interesting because he played with Greg Oden and Mike Conley, while I played with Will Dawkins and Joe Boylan. Not that Rouse and Joe aren't good, but they certainly aren't going to the NBA, I mean playing in the NBA of course.

I want to fully endorse this kid though, as a fellow bench rider. The best part about the blog is that he could play at a mid major, and totally own at a DII or DIII school, but chooses to go to OSU and ride the bench. I certainly couldn't have even started, let alone played, on my high school team but I played in college, so I fully endorse Club Trillion as a member of the same situation. I wish there was some sort of membership, like Red Sox Nation, that every bench rider could be a part of this. All you would have to do is send in a stat sheet with your name and the trillion on it. Can we do that? Can I be a part of club Trillion? I'll give you some tit cookies.......

Well, next week I am going to Houston to visit my parents, but only because my mom bought me a ticket like four months ago. At this point in our relationship, I feel like my parents have abandonned me like Wendy Crewson abandons Macaulay Caulkin at the end of "The Good Son". Anyway, I will try and make posts, but keep checking back at least 17 times a day, just so you can be the first to break the Mark texiera signing to your buddies, as reported by BTP.

Oh, and it's wednesday, which means installment #5 of "Thoughts While Dumping"....here ya go kids.