It’s been a boy’s night out. Instead of coming home pleasantly exhausted with a phone filled of embarrassing photos and a dying hunger for fried chicken and waffles, you’re frustrated in being three hundred dollars poorer and not the least bit satisfied. You vow to never hit up a strip club again. Believe me brother, I feel your pain. As someone who’s made just about every mistake on the infamous Broadway Street in San Francisco, I’ve learned a thing or two. So whether you’re nervous about popping your lap dance cherry or just discouraged from a bad past, here are some words of wisdom from the former “Strip Club King of San Francisco”.
Before you head on out, take a look in the mirror to see if you’re dressed appropriately. You may be thinking, “It shouldn’t matter what I’m wearing. I’m out to be comfortable, not to pick up chicks”. Oh contraire. When it comes to the private dances, the women pick which men they service, not the other way around. Like any sales person, she is looking to make the most profit possible with each transaction. She is not only looking for which men seem eager for her attention, but who are the wealthier men in the room. Therefore, if you’re wearing ripped jeans, basketball jersey and a baseball cap backwards while I’m wearing a silk shirt, designer pants and nice shoes, who do you think is getting the rub down in the back room? Once at a club, my friend wasn’t getting any attention. I had him put on this fly brown leather jacket I was wearing and within minutes time he was led away by a beauty in glass slippers.
Now when it comes to picking your place of pleasure, there’s things to consider. First off, which club do I hit up? The clubs vary in quality of girls (a.k,a. how attractive), how classy is the setting and what services are provided. The higher cover price generally indicates the better quality of women, however I wouldn’t say it’s an indication of better service. Personally, I value the degree of service over the looks of the girl. I want women who are going to be unlawfully freaky with me, violate me. Suck my earlobe, bite my nipple, put their hand down my pants to grope my frank and beans (you might be lucky enough to get an undie-job: a brief blowjob where my cock was covered by my boxers), not just slide around and shake her ass in my face. I can stay home and watch MTV for that. More attractive women tend to be full of themselves and put less effort into their private dances because they feel you’re grateful to be in their presence. Less attractive women are grateful for your business and give you more bang for your buck. Furthermore, a club where you just watch a table dance and jerk it in the bathroom costs a whole lot less to enter than the club where the ladies will gladly play the game tug of drawers (or even more). The other issue to consider is when you go to a club. Saturday nights had greater competition for strippers’ attention as the club was more crowded then when I went during my lunch period on Tuesdays? However, obviously, there were fewer hot mommas during less popular hours.
Upon arrival, set a price limit for how much you’re willing to spend. Go to your bank’s ATM (not the one at the club because the service charge is four times greater), pocket the set amount and leave the wallet in the car or with friends if you have issues with self control. A strip joint is a casino where the prizes are tits and ass, and everyone’s a winner. However just like a casino, I’ve seen myself among others unknowingly run through paper like grains of sand falling out of hand. Strippers are the greatest hustlers known to man, because Ari Gold and Gordon Gekko don’t negotiate for more money while pressing soft cleavage into your face and caressing your hard on. “Want another dance baby?” Oh god it feels so fucking good, why the hell should I stop? What’s another $100? If you’re not careful, you’re gonna walk out of the club wondering, “What the fuck was I thinking? I’m so fucking stupid, I always fucking do this.” Hell, we all fall into the trap so who could blame you.
Now if you’re a cheap bastard when in comes to tipping the dances, don’t be a dick and not tip appropriately, so sit in the 2nd row. If you’re somewhat shy and don’t want the chance of being included in the stage show, sit in the 2nd row. Once a lady friend I brought to a strip club was sitting up front and her top was taken off in front of everyone by a playful stripper. Then we went to another strip club and not only did she get the same treatment, but she was pulled up on stage and stratled by two strippers. Beware of those long legs swinging around, not to mention the rare chance of a stripper flying off the stage and crashing into the front row like a boxer knocked out of the ring. This isn’t like the ballpark where you take flying objects home, but don’t get me wrong, I love the front row. It’s an intimate exchange where you have the best seat in the house for just a few bills. It helps to have a great view for the most important factor to a great strip club experience: scouting the talent.
While you’re sitting there, the ladies are going to be coming at you left and right. Tickling the back of your neck, rubbing your shoulders, sitting on your lap. Sounds nice huh? Have some self-control fellas. You want to politely decline their offers to a private dance, leave open an opportunity for later. You wait on the private dance till you have at least previewed the majority of the ladies. Too many times I was too eager to get some special attention and said yes to the first or second girl who offered to have a dance with me because most likely she isn’t the girl that will give me the best time. Patience for perfection my friends. When you get to the club, get about $20-40 in single bills because you’re gonna be there a while studying for the exam and unless you’re a total scrooge, you’re gonna go through the cash in no time. Keep in mind that the stage shows are a two-way audition. You’re studying for which girls you like, and they are studying for which guys are the good tippers and show interest. This may be the only place in the world where dishing out $8 classifies you as a high roller, but cash doesn’t always close the deal. If there’s a girl you want, tip more than enough and eye fuck her to the point you’re both are having orgasms.
When it comes to studying the dancers, there are three characteristics that should be taken into account. The first and least important: what kind of body does she have? If you’re a motor boating captain, A Cups probably won’t even sail you out of a port. If she’s got a boney ass, well…ouch. It’s grinding rocks on cocks. If she’s got too much of a good thing back there, you may need a hip replacement. However, there are always exceptions to the rules if the ladies score very high on the other two categories, which are performance and personality. There’s nothing worst than getting a lap dance from a girl who’s totally faking it and could care less about being there. It’s like having sex with a girl who’s giving you the “just take care of your business and get off me” look. A stage show is likely an accurate evaluation of what kind of lap dance she’ll give you. If she’s just walking around the pole, shaking her ass and opening her legs occasionally without any flare or taste of enjoyment, she’ll give you the most dull and disappointing experience of your life. However, if she’s all jazzed up, creative and excited about performing on stage, she’ll be just as enthusiastic when she’s got you to herself. Stage shows aren’t like life, where the shy ones are likely the freakiest. She’s either openly a freak or she isn’t. You want a girl who’s extremely flexible and comfortable with her body. If she doesn’t engage much with the audience members in the front row, she most likely won’t be very engaging with you one on one. If you look for these traits and choose responsibly, I’m confident you will be one joyful sailor.
- Sir Charles
When you go into the oral office, take all objects out of your pockets and out of harms way. Keys can be painful, wallets can get soaked, and you don’t want your cell phone making calls by mistake. Keep the physical contact as direct as possible without objects in between, because that keeps this more enjoyable for all. If possible, have some knowledge of what things cost ahead of time. Ask a friend or the bouncer. It’s a strategy of judging how much you should pay to match what you want. If they say the base price for a lap dance is $20, don’t pay $20. The first $20 of a lap dance goes back to the club and the stripper gets to keep however much extra you pay. Naturally if she isn’t going to make much from the lap dance, she’s not going to put much into it. As long as you’re polite, be straight forward if there’s something you want because there’s never any harm in asking. Most likely she won’t tell you right off the bat she’ll do hand jobs or blowjobs, but she might be open to it. Remember, it’s just business, so make sure you both get your needs met. Strippers and bouncers are people too, so don’t be shy about chatting them up. Create a comfortable and ongoing relationship with conversing, tipping whenever possible and letting them know you appreciate them. You never know how it’ll help down the road. However, don’t ever assume that because she’s friendly with you that you’re getting a lap on the house or a date.
Ok cumsandwiches. I feel like it's time for my first post since the busiest man in America just posted his first before me and I have no job, no life, no friends, and therefore no dignity. So I'm just going to get right to it. AHEM. You cant be a Pirate and a Ninja at the same time. They are sworn enemies as well as pretty much polar opposites and anyone who thinks they can be both has about as much brains as this berry tie-die fruit roll up I am more than thoroughly enjoying right now (see picture...whattupppp).
Here are my reasons or actually I will start with obvious things about Ninjas and Pirates in no specific order. Pirates rape and pillage. Ninjas are small and agile, manuverable you could even say. Pirates love to get fucked up and sail. Ninjas like to hop on and off things, not good for the sea. Pirates are seaworthy and love rum. Ninjas have underground tournaments where they fight in front of people and kill other fighters for pride and honor. Pirates are money grubbers who are only in it for the paycheck not for the love of anything. Chicks look way hotter in Pirate halloween costumes. Unemployed college graduates wear 14yr old boys Ninja suits to partys from the college they already graduated from (creepy).
Today's beverage of choice is a nice glass of freshly poured Guinness. This one goes out to the Boston Celtics. So I honor the best basketball team in the land, the Boston Celtics who just won there 10th straight game behind Rajon Rondo's triple double with 16 points, 13 boards, and 17 assists. That's right folks Rondo is the man and to him I raise my frothy poured glass of Guiness in the air and salute you Mr. Rondo and the rest of the Celtics, keep kicking ass and taking names.